Hi Ryan, it’s true that we can’t blame our parents for our choices as adults, but it’s also true that it can take a long time to course correct when you haven’t been given the guidance a human needs to thrive in the world. And you then have the extra barrier of having to focus on healing before you can even get to building a life that suits you.

We are all different, I suppose, but my friend calls it 'the middle bit' which comes between realising you parents let you down and accepting and forgiving that. For some people the failure is too great and forgiveness isn’t possible. For others they need a while to process the loss and be angry but eventually can forgive. And then others still never can even admit that their parents failed. They never manage to separate at all and are in some ways stilted for good.

I think it’s as you say, about understanding the reasons why you struggle and if necessary feeling the grief or loss from your childhood, even if your parents did the best they could.

I think it’s not about blame but more about acknowledging the truth. A lot is passed down the family line. Some people come from families in which no generation has thrived before. Others come from families which have thrived for generations.

There is a vast gap between what we can receive from our parents and what we inherit and so there can surely be no universal rule about when we can accept without anger it resentment our lot. Ideally we get over it quickly, but if a person cannot I don’t think they should be blamed. They already have enough barriers and compassion is needed if they are going to move on.

We will always hold our parents accountable for the talents and gifts we receive from them, for our whole lives, wouldn’t we?

Also I was actually thinking that 55% environmental sounds a pretty high percentage!

I hope it wasn’t too painful when your friends 'called you out' and I hope you have people who can understand more compassionately where you are coming from. It might be that they simply don’t understand what you are talking about and how it isn’t always as easy as 'getting over it’.

Thanks for giving me something to think about by writing this and for creating this space on Medium.

Chelsey